I almost do.

So. Hello. Hi.

One year has passed and idk why but suddenly i got the urge to write something here, to pour my feelings out here. I really really like to write a poem, make a quote or tell a tale whenever i feel gloomy *which i havent been in a year or more and hence my blog is a dead blog because i dont know what to write*

Many things have happened in this one year. well the big ones happened in these past months though...

First, after i finished my senior high school study, idk where should i continue my study. The options were endless at that time. Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, Jakarta. Either hospitality or business though. I really have no passions in another major like medical or engineering bcs just thinking of how hard the process is makes me sick. I really didnt want to stay in this small city anymore bcs jsyk, this place sucks too. But what can i say, my dad prohibited me from studying overseas and finally i got accepted and even received a partial scholarship majoring in management from a great university in Medan. and i got a job too. and after that i think my life will be so easy, amazing, wonderful.
But what?
Another big thing happened.
I got accepted in medical department at the best university in Medan. MEDICAL. okay.
I never really wanted to be a doctor. I just followed my parents' suggestion. I just want to make them happy. I really want to make them proud.
So, i am a medical student now. which i have never ever thought planned and imagined before.
It just happened like that.
Okay first milestone in my life.

Second, disappointment, lost, heartbreak. It's complicated. It's like when you grow up, you finally realize that things change, feelings change, people including you yourself who do not intend to change, change too. It's inevitable. People you thought you will love for the rest of your life, friends you thought will be your friends forever, things that you thought will remain still and situation you thought will always go according to the plan, change.

I ended up not loving him anymore.

I ended up breaking up with him.

I ended up regretting my decision to be in a relationship in such a young age.

We ended up breaking our promises.

I ended up making new friends.

I ended up not knowing how their days went everyday.

I ended up feeling awkward when they're around bcs we dont know what to talk about.

We ended up becoming strangers.

I ended up meeting new people.

I ended up falling for a new person.

I ended up smiling bcs of a new person.

But unfortunately we ended up not being together.

 

So the point of all of this is i give up. 

I give up trusting people. I give up believing in love.

I know time will heal. Time will always do. But still, I dont want to feel that deep disappointment again for the third time, not anymore.
I refuse to let my heart be broken by someone bcs you know, the pain is just... indescribable. The emptiness. The lost. Okay stop maybe I'm just exaggerating. It's not that deep though.

I still remember how we started talking though 

but i am letting you (re: the memories) go :)