nobody said it was easy

so.. hi!
i decide to open my blog today and reread everything because idk i just feel sad. and gloomy.
for these past few years, my life has been about hypertension, diabetes, asthma, hiv/aids, hepatitis, heart failure, TBC and stuffs.
and to make it worse, my life has been all about dengue hemorrhagic fever for these past 8 months. i am so fucked up i wish everything will be okay in the end.
i should be studying about the pathophysiology of asthma now... but never mind i can do it tomorrow.

and this is what i post in 27th December 2011 in my secret blog.. let me answer it again now, so we can see how much difference i've made in 6 years!
*my answers now will be in italic

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
- hmph, i dont even remember who's the last person.
- yes. i am sure he means every 'i love you' he has ever told me

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
- emm, nope
- no...

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
- when? duh. maybe when i finally got to see him and knew that he's already gotten a girlfriend at the same time.
- hmm.. when i got 'A' for my test lol on one side i dont want to get high GPA because i know i dont deserve it, but on the other side i cant lie to myself that i am happy to see so many As for my test result
 
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
- im not as friendly as fm :D
- the answer is still no haha
 
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
- idk.
-  my answer is still the same. i dont know. maybe yes maybe no
 
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
- nope. but yesterday, yes.
- no
 
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
- pajama. ngahaha i know im lame.
-  guess i will never change HAHAHA pajamas of course
 
8. How often do you listen to music?
- as often as i could.
- not so often lol

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
- jeans, i think.
- still jeans haha
 
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
- i dont think so.
- ok so the fact is when i go step by step the difference is not quite big, but when i finally look back, i think my life has changed quite dramatically since 2012
 
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
- antisocial, literally.
- still, antisocial
 
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
- maybe alvina or angela? when we're still kids? -...-
- if i answer this playfully my bf will surely be so mad at me HAHAHA so no, never

13. What about ‘R’?
- hah i hope so.
- no :) and i don’t hope so anymore lol

14. Can you drive a stick shift?
- u mean?
- no, but i’ve ever learnt it before.. and recently someone has told me that he want to teach me the way lol

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
- much.
- still. much

16. Are you going out of town soon?
- nope.
- nope

17. When was the last time you cried?
- last friday, i guess.
- cant remember :)

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
- my mom?
- every night i tell my bf i love him so much

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
- nope.
-  no

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
- i am not a silly little girl anymore.
- yes, because i know he will do the same for me too :)

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
- everybody is busy with their own. he didnt intend to ask me out.
- i didn’t get to meet my lecturer today, or sooner. The fact that i need to study the pathophysiology of asthma pissed me off lol i thought it was quite exciting to learn about so i volunteered to do the presentation of it but now nah. i forgot my best friend birthday ):

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
- definitely.
- absolutely.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
- nope.
-  i don’t date my sister.

24. What are you sitting on right now?
- laying on my parent's bed.
-  my own bed

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
- nope.
- yes, my bf

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
- yes.
- i am not going to lie, yes

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
- mom, perhaps?
- my bf

28. Do you get a lot of colds?
- thankfully, no.
-  i have become so susceptible to illness now lately…

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
- i dont even want to know.
- china maybe

30. Does anyone hate you?
- idk.
- yes.. maybe? i know i am not a good enough person haha

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
- no -___-
- no.. but i am starting to like alcohol better than in the past

32. Do you like watching scary movies?
- big no.
- no but im going to watch one tomorrow haha

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
- no thanks.
- no thanks.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
- 2008.
- tbh, I don’t want to delete any

35. Did you have a dream last night?
- err yes, i think.
- yes.. weird dream

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
- i dont even remember.
- just now haha

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
- absolutely no.
- yes, i think so

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
- idk.
- sure, my bf

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
- idk.
- idk haha i wish

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
- yes.
- yes.. had an exam and it went quite well, ate lunch and mango shaved ice cream with the boys and jen, watched Thor for the second time (Chris Hemsworth is to die for!), went home and watched running man, slept peacefully at night (except the weird dream part lol)

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
- nope.
- yes

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
- idk.
- i don’t think so. My life is full of unexpected things now

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
- yes.
- yes, my bf

44. What’s the best part about school?
- nothing. school is always bad, or maybe worse. worst fits the best.
- school? Nothing’s good about school haha i kind of dislike my school years lol

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
- yes.
- yes

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
- yeap.
- yes

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
- always before sleep.
- yes, over and over again

48. Were you single over the last summer?
- yea.
- nope

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
- unfortunately yes -...-
-  haha i think yes

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
- nothing.
- PATHOPHYSIOLOGY OF ASTHMA BITJ PLS

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
- no (:
- hmm no

52. Are you nice to everyone?
- err i hope so.
- i hope i am a good enough person to everybody. but still i cant please everyone right

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
- yes.
- yes

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
- well yes of course.
- i am in a relationship for almost 3 years and neither one of us had cheated

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
- i think so.
- i still think so

56. Do you think you like someone?
- i got a bit confused of my feelings at the moment. so i cant answer you with yes or no.
- now? i like love care for my bf so much

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
- no.
- no.. what about ‘S’? lol

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
- i am a girl. so girls.
- BOYS!!!!

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
- i think yes.
- Alvina.. maybe?

60. Do you hate anyone?
- who the hell doesnt hate anyone?
- the number of the people i hate is increasing lol i hate more people now

61. How’s your heart?
- healing.
- fine… hahaha

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
- yeah.
- yes

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
- so embarrassing, but yes.
- yes

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
- haters, perhaps?
- idk, some people who hate me i guess?

65. Are your toenails painted pink?
- nope.
- no

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
- no. and never.
- of course no haha he is my future husband how can it be a mistake?

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
- ngahahaha, yes (:
- not really lol

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
- no-....-
- no

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
- yansen, maybe. asking where's him and others.
- fidela. she asked me where i was and where to go

70. How do you look right now?
- weary.
- still, so weary. but cheerful and manic at the same time

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
- emm my bestfriend?
- around my family, my bf and my best friends

72. Can you commit to one person?
- yes.
- yes.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
- luckily, yes (:
- my bf :)

74. Have you ever felt replaced?
- yea.
- yea. now i am feeling so haha

75. Did you wake up cranky?
- sometimes.
- sometimes when i have so many things to do

76. Are you a jealous person?
- yes. i hope my future-boyfie will be one too.
- congratulations cindy! Your bf now is a very jealous person lol

77. Are relationships ever worth it?
- no, ngahahaha.
- yes :)

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
- yeap.
- had given up on him since a long time ago

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
- err yes.
- yes

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
- eating.
- studying. oh pls

81. Last person you cried in front of?
- dad, and mom.
- i don’t remember lol i guess no one

82. Is there someone you will never forget?
- yes.
- i have never forgotten anyone in my life i guess

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
- no.
- my bf is so protective of me lol

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
- chatting.
- cuddling. talking about life (or maybe medic stuffs lol)

85. Are you over your past?
- on the way.
- yes, since a long time ago

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
- no.
- no. my boy best friends and i kind of have platonic relationships lol

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
- God maybe?
- my bf… my future husband :)

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
- this is bad, but...yes.
- no… not anymore lol

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
- perhaps he's drunk. so no.
- yes

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
- no.
- i don’t think they hated him. i think they are not just going quite well

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
- hahaha i hope so.
- i am in a relationship now and will still be in the next 40 months before we finally got married

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
- yes.
- yes.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
- no, im waiting for the chance to kiss Matthew Caldicott :(
- no

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
- no.
- yes.. it’s wonderful :)
 
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
- no.
- yes of course i am always happy with him haha

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
- fm and cath is attractive hahaha. (;
- NO hahaha for me they are the weirdest boys in the world

97. Who do you have your last texts from?
- fm and cath.
- the boys (729)

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
- happy for you both.
- you promise me you will always love me and wont ever leave me. you lie :)

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
- grandma?
- my bf is older than me

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
- nobody.
- my bf

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
- aww that's romantic.
- no haha i wish

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
- yeah.
- yeah.

introducing you my future

future dad of my triplets, my future husband, my future doctor :)

 

 

faded

Hi!
It has been what? a year? 10 years? a century? since i updated this dead blog
the last post was about me, being gloomy again duh.
Well since i graduated high school 2 years ago, my life has been busier than ever! I even wonder why the younger me keep complaining about difficulty of life when life was supposed to be easy and beautiful!
So many responsibilities and so many things to do when i've graduated high school.. i keep reminding myself that i am almost an adult now! (for god's sake, i will be 20 in 5 months i am not ready yet i dont want to grow up :'( )

Again and again, i am supposed to study now since my finals and OSCE is due to next week!
Never have i regretted entering med school but lots of time i keep wondering, did my decision to enter med school really worth it? even after 2  years, i have never been so sure of me being a doctor in 4 years! dont mistake me, i love medical & i love my comrades, but it seems that it's just not for me. i barely stand the pressure.

So this morning after i woke up i decided to take a look on memories and photos of the younger me, reminiscing sounds a better idea than studying right now. i want my easy and not complicated life back. when there's actually nothing to worry about, and my list of responsibilities can still be counted by 2 hands.

 

  

many things are going through my mind right now.. i hope everything will be okay in the end :)

I almost do.

So. Hello. Hi.

One year has passed and idk why but suddenly i got the urge to write something here, to pour my feelings out here. I really really like to write a poem, make a quote or tell a tale whenever i feel gloomy *which i havent been in a year or more and hence my blog is a dead blog because i dont know what to write*

Many things have happened in this one year. well the big ones happened in these past months though...

First, after i finished my senior high school study, idk where should i continue my study. The options were endless at that time. Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, Jakarta. Either hospitality or business though. I really have no passions in another major like medical or engineering bcs just thinking of how hard the process is makes me sick. I really didnt want to stay in this small city anymore bcs jsyk, this place sucks too. But what can i say, my dad prohibited me from studying overseas and finally i got accepted and even received a partial scholarship majoring in management from a great university in Medan. and i got a job too. and after that i think my life will be so easy, amazing, wonderful.
But what?
Another big thing happened.
I got accepted in medical department at the best university in Medan. MEDICAL. okay.
I never really wanted to be a doctor. I just followed my parents' suggestion. I just want to make them happy. I really want to make them proud.
So, i am a medical student now. which i have never ever thought planned and imagined before.
It just happened like that.
Okay first milestone in my life.

Second, disappointment, lost, heartbreak. It's complicated. It's like when you grow up, you finally realize that things change, feelings change, people including you yourself who do not intend to change, change too. It's inevitable. People you thought you will love for the rest of your life, friends you thought will be your friends forever, things that you thought will remain still and situation you thought will always go according to the plan, change.

I ended up not loving him anymore.

I ended up breaking up with him.

I ended up regretting my decision to be in a relationship in such a young age.

We ended up breaking our promises.

I ended up making new friends.

I ended up not knowing how their days went everyday.

I ended up feeling awkward when they're around bcs we dont know what to talk about.

We ended up becoming strangers.

I ended up meeting new people.

I ended up falling for a new person.

I ended up smiling bcs of a new person.

But unfortunately we ended up not being together.

 

So the point of all of this is i give up. 

I give up trusting people. I give up believing in love.

I know time will heal. Time will always do. But still, I dont want to feel that deep disappointment again for the third time, not anymore.
I refuse to let my heart be broken by someone bcs you know, the pain is just... indescribable. The emptiness. The lost. Okay stop maybe I'm just exaggerating. It's not that deep though.

I still remember how we started talking though 

but i am letting you (re: the memories) go :)

i remember the day you told me you were leaving.

Otro amor vendrá, y será mejor.

Another love will come, and it will be better. 

210-7

"Will always love you more than yesterday" (:

Chances.

Heyy!!

Spent monday, tuesday, wednesday with richard, jesc and kim since they're back from sg, *well though we didn't talk much, cause idk why it seems awkward, but all of the food was amazing anyway hehehe*. Watched fnf6 again with them. Idk why but it isnt as amazing as the first time I saw it. But overall I still love Dom Mia Brian Giselle Letty and others lol

Spent today with alvina and angela. We just ate lunch and uhm took abundant pict and well nothing more.

2 weeks to leave! Kinda excited kinda afraid kinda kinda....

Because when I said I love you, I meant it.

I hope you meant yours too... (:

Oh happy days

And finally my summer holiday begins!!!!
Started today with wandering around and watching fast and furious 6. Seriously the movie is so amazingly excellent!! And and and idk what to say again... But anyway, 18 days more to leave this boring town, super excited hehehe.

Promises.

Because people who told me they wouldn't change, change and those who promised me would stay, eventually leave.

.......but then I realize that you're one in a million, you're different (:

So glad you came.

I should be in school now, but please just excuse my laziness to attend bio class. I am not doing anything important today, at home, well, actually I'm doing nothing, but it's faaaar better than sitting in the class quietly and day-dreaming. Maybe I'll do my 10-years-abandoned homework, if an angel suddenly get into my body -which is impossible-, or watch dvd, or stalk people, or just literally do nothing. I'm such a lazybones.

And anyway, I'm a lucky girl. Thank you (: